July 16, 2013

When News Gets Slow

Posted in: Latest News

by Dan Roberts

When news gets slow and papers still need to be sold, we’re likely to see just about anything in the headlines. Here are three I read just this past week:

“Type A People Are Less Likely to Die From Type 1 Diabetes!”

“Omega-3 Linked to Prostate Cancer!”

“New Magnifying Contact Lens Gives You Super Vision!”

Wow. Those exclamation marks really got my attention. I called my doctor and asked him to take me off my Prozac and Omega-3 and order me a pair of those Superman lenses in time for the playoffs. Here’s what he told me:

“Type A people are less likely to die from Type 1 diabetes, because they obsess over absolutely everything, including following doctors’ recommendations.”

“Omega-3 supplements are linked to prostate cancer, because we old guys, who tend to have bad prostates, take more Omega-3.”

“The new magnifying contact lenses will give you super vision, but you’ll have to wait ten years for someone to make them.”

“And, by the way, you don’t have Type 1 diabetes, and the playoffs were four months ago.”

Then he hung up very quietly. I hope some real news breaks soon. A person can’t even trust exclamation marks anymore.

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