July 16, 2013

When News Gets Slow


When News Gets Slow

by Dan Roberts
When news gets slow and papers still need to be sold, we’re likely to see just about anything in the headlines. Here are three I read just this past week:
“Type A People Are Less Likely to Die From Type 1 Diabetes!”
“Omega-3 Linked to Prostate Cancer!”
“New Magnifying Contact Lens Gives You Super Vision!”
Wow. Those exclamation marks really got my attention. I called my doctor and asked him to take me off my Prozac and Omega-3 and order me a pair of those Superman lenses in time for the playoffs. Here’s what he told me:
“Type A people are less likely to die from Type 1 diabetes, because they obsess over absolutely everything, including following doctors’ recommendations.”
“Omega-3 supplements are linked to prostate cancer, because we old guys, who tend to have bad prostates, take more Omega-3.”
“The new magnifying contact lenses will give you super vision, but you’ll have to wait ten years for someone to make them.”
“And, by the way, you don’t have Type 1 diabetes, and the playoffs were four months ago.”
Then he hung up very quietly. I hope some real news breaks soon. A person can’t even trust exclamation marks anymore.

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